Dissecting 15 Wedding Trends of 2014

Hype Events

April has arrived! In season weddings have officially begun! And, well, so have the "new trends" that will be plastering the pages of Bride Magazine for the rest of the year. Coming off the heels of fun Santa filled Christmas themed weddings, unavoidably cheesy Valentine's Day weddings, and the best reason to get drunk at St. Patrick's Day weddings, spring and summer wedding trends have hit the books - and have thrown up all over Pinterest.

I never really understood how "wedding trends" really worked. A large number of people spend 18 months planning a wedding. So, in reality you will have your wedding planned before the "newest trend" comes around. This has me personally peeved because the theme I chose back in December of 2013 of a "woodsy/woodland" theme is now being touted as a hot 2014 theme - which will probably make my October 2015 wedding look like something everyone has seen before. Oh well, I love it and will do it anyway!

Anyway, without further ado, here is my take on 2014 wedding trends.

1.) Crop Top Wedding Dresses: Huh? I had no idea we were in a flashback to a 90's episode of Blossom where it was cute to wear a crop top with suspenders and stove pipe Pluggs. Unless you are a stick like Keira Knightly and have no boobs, you will just look like your top is too short or you forgot the middle part of your dress.

2.) Pastels: You know those nasty Easter colored mints that used to be served at weddings along side a big tub of peanuts? Yes, those. The colors of those chalky squares are now "hot" wedding colors for bridesmaids dresses. This is a fact: your pale, short, slightly out of shape bridesmaids will look like washed out extras from Twilight in a pastel dress. Pastels on adult women can read so childlike and Eastery - couple that with a cutsie style and all they will need are Halloween fairy wings made out of glittery panty hose to complete the look.

3.) Woodland/Fairy/Lord of the Rings Themes: Maybe the baby pastels with wings will work if you are doing this up and coming theme. Facing backlash from the "rustic burlap bride" craze, these same brides who want a perfect blend of casual and elegant without drifting into rodeo hoedown territory are going this route (me included). However, for whatever reason there are dozens of Pinterest pins that feature weddings that look like Aragorn is marrying Arwyn in the Shire complete with elves, gnomes, and toadstools with barefoot bridesmaids waving streamer wands. IT IS A WEDDING, NOT A COSTUME PARTY, DAMMIT!

Green Wedding Shoes

4.) HUGE Ridiculous Bouquets & Flower Arrangements: On average a bride will spend $1,800 on flowers. JUST FLOWERS! But now it seems as if that price could skyrocket with the humungous flower trend of 2014. Brides want massive arrangements to take over their tables - so much so they forget guests cannot see over all that crap while they eat. Plus, they want to carry a massive, cascading spread as well or are opting for paper/fake blooms that look like they came straight out of Alice in Wonderland. At this point, why not just go to Lowe's and buy a 2 gallon potted mum to carry or a giant stuffed animal from a carnival?

5.) Unplugged or Super-Plugged Ceremonies: Oh, but wait, let me take a selfie! God. I agree with a large number of brides who are asking/demanding that guests put their two-foot long Galaxy away for 20 minutes while you say your nuptials. Nothing is more ridiculous than when you get your professional photos back that you payed a good chunk of change on only to see everyone with a stupid phone in their hand as you walk down the aisle. Then there are those other brides. The ones who create a Facebook page, Twitter, personalized hashtag, Instagram, website, etc. just for their wedding and encourage people to snap away and otherwise be totally self absorbed in their phones all night.

6.) Bright and Weirdly Paired Color Combinations: Sometimes I have to ask myself if a bride stopped at a taco truck at the state fair and suddenly had an epiphany that she needs ALL THOSE COLORS at her wedding. I am talking about John Deere green, royal blue, fire engine red, and sunflower yellow - all at the same time. Okay, we get it, it is the 4th of July. But, your colors should not remind us of a package of Franks or a baseball game. Unless you have a lot of white/ivory in your wedding you run the risk of it looking like a box of Legos with all those primary colors. I myself love, LOVE color but keeping it in moderation/adjusting the hue of the colors will work best for a wedding.   

Zazzle

7.) Small & Simple Invitations: This is actually a good thing. I think not only brides but people in general realized that an elaborate, expensive, multi-folding masterpiece of stationary is a total waste of money given that the second after they are opened, they end up in the garbage. Not to mention you wasted a whole tree on printing out tiny maps that are too small to read, a picture of the couple that everyone has seen already on Facebook, and an RSVP that the guest will ultimately not put their name on so you have no idea who returned it to you. Less is more, when and where is sufficient, and anything supplementary you can put on your wedding website. Ditch the RSVP cards all together and save on postage - guests can call or e-mail you instead.

8.) "Naked Cakes" and Odd Fillings: As far as my mother, grandmother, and future in-laws are concerned there are two kinds of wedding cake flavors: vanilla and chocolate. While it is nothing new that brides also like to pick from red velvet, almond, and lemon, icingless cakes and questionable fillings are rearing their ugly heads. "I am having a coconut cake with sangria flavored jelly filling and key lime icing"...What? The more specific you get with your cake the less likely people are going to eat it. Keep this in mind when you are plunking down $4.00 a slice and if you care or not if it ends up in the trash after one bite. Also, people LOVE BUTTER CREAM ICING - do not rob your guests on the real reason they came to the wedding (okay, maybe not, but people do love cake AND icing).

9:) Blinged out Necklaces, Bracelets, and Belts: Us brides love our bling. We just do! But the new 2014 trend is for a bride to be in a simple, notice I said simple dress and have a huge, sparkling statement necklace and bracelet. This can go so bad so fast. I can see it now - a bride will pair one of this hideously and cheaply made rhinestone bibs with an already blinged out ball gown. She will look like a TLC Gypsy bride or a belly dancer - especially if she wears one of those aforementioned crop-top dresses. MODERATION LADIES, MODERATION!

Bridal Guide

10.) Edible Wedding Favors: HALLELUJAH! Brides finally got the hint that no one wants another silly shot glass with their wedding date etched on it! This holds true for personalized drink cozies, mini picture frames, single card holders, or other chotski that will end up at Goodwill or in the garbage. The only favor anyone will appreciate is one they can eat - 'nuff said. Cookies, chocolate, honey, BBQ sauce, salsa, etc. will be taken, used, consumed, enjoyed and probably remembered. They will not remember the cheapy pen that never worked from the second they picked it up from the guest book table.

11.) Elaborate Photo Booths: Photo booths became a trend several years ago and despite the fact that a lot of brides seem to think they are overdone, guests LOVE THEM! A photo booth is great for many reasons. People do not attend weddings often, so they likely have never seen one at a wedding before. People love to take photos, and they get to take a strip with them as a favor. You as a bride also get a copy to keep for yourself because every bride wants a picture of great-aunt Ethel in a disco afro (don't we all?). People get bored at weddings and not everyone dances, so this gives them something to do. And now, booths are getting more elaborate than ever with trunks of props, body length shots, they are BIG enough to get 15 people in one image, you can make movies in some of the new models, etc. Budget permitting, I am having one at my wedding - I know you will be jealous.

12.) Having Swanky Servers for BBQ: Now this is something I do not understand at all. Not only do brides want ushers (like your immature male cousins and geeky brother) to be in tuxedos like her fiance and groomsmen, but they are also expected to wear white gloves to shuffle people to their seats. Same for buffet meals featuring gussied up servers. I am sorry, but I thought buffet meant you got off your rear and got your food yourself? Oh no. Such savagery. Now, brides want to make their cheap BBQ more elegant by having white-glove wearing servers at each aluminum pan to gracefully slop pulled pork onto a plastic plate. Now that screams elegance. If you think having a self-serve buffet is too "steerage class of the Titanic" JUST HAVE A FLIPPING PLATED MEAL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

New York Mag

13.) Brides on a Budget: I guess it took a more than a few episodes of Four Weddings to get brides to realize that the $10K wedding always wins when put up against the $80K wedding. Brides are finally understanding that they do not need to drain their parents bank account (or their own for that matter) to have a nice wedding! More brides are taking up DIY projects, chopping the guest list, eliminating appetizers, hosting cash bars, and hoarding half off coupons for Hobby Lobby and Micheal's, anything to save a buck! I am a vintage dealer - I take no shame in digging a salvageable chair out of your trashcan. So, I am not ashamed to brag I am getting my flowers from an online wholesaler, my dress was pre-owned, and I am not spending any more than $14.00 a plate for food per guest. It seems that many 2014 brides feel the same as I do. Besides, when you boast to people about your wedding costing more than a house you automatically come across as a massive snob and people will say your wedding sucks if it does not meet the expectations of a Kardashian. 

14.) Old Hollywood Themes: This seems to contradict the idea that brides are trying to save money...Another trend still going strong from last year is the "Old Hollywood", "Roaring Twenties", or "Great Gatsby" theme. Everything is gold, everything is crystallized, candles are everywhere, people have ostrich feathers in their hair, birdcage veils, rhinestones, glitter, and pearls. I am all about a girl embracing her theme, but all this decor going on is going to make your wedding look like a caravan belonging to a traveling fortune teller. Furthermore, all this elaborate decor, an "era specific dress", historic get-away car, an olde-tyme pianist named Sam playing "As Time Goes By", and other period touches are not cheap to buy or rent. And again, it is SO EASY to drift so far into masquerade party territory that it no longer resembles a wedding. Also, I would like to take a poll in regards to how many 20-something brides have actually read the Great Gatsby...

15.) All Nighter or All Weekend Long Weddings: Now this is just plain ridiculous and unnecessary. Some couples are using their wedding as a means to start a party on Friday night, and make it last until Sunday morning. In short, it gives guests the green light to start drinking heavily at the rehearsal dinner, drink all through the wedding, then party until dawn on Sunday. Not only will this probably create some embarrassing moments at your wedding courtesy of your Uncle Bob and half the groomsmen, but if they get really out of hand you might need to call security, a cab or other "collection service", or even the police or hospital if guests get too out of hand. Don't make the elders attending your wedding feel like they suddenly entered a frat party or a rave or abruptly have to leave because your bridesmaids start booty-popping on a table. Be respectful of your guests and keep it classy. If people are still in party mode, arrange an after party somewhere else and they can hire their own cab to take them back to their respective hotels.

Keep in mind this is all in good fun and congratulations to all the 2014 brides! What is your take on some of this years "hot trends"?