Being a Bridesmaid or Maid of Honor - The Money Pit

The Offbeat Bride

So you have just been asked by one of your besites to be a bridesmaid or Maid of Honor. Now, what do you do? Where do you begin? And ultimately, how much is this going to set you back financially? The reality is being a Maid of Honor or a bridesmaid will seem like a never ending money pit to many unsuspecting ladies.

I have never had the pleasure of being a bridesmaid myself. I have been to many weddings, but the truth is I do not have a lot of close female friends. Because of this, I really had no idea what a bridesmaid or Maid of Honor was supposed to do, what she was supposed to pay for, arrange, etc. So, off to the internet I went. I HAD NO IDEA it was SO EXPENSIVE to be a bridesmaid! It is even more expensive to be a Maid of Honor. I was shocked actually given that a large number of bridesmaids are in their early 20s and probably cannot afford much. According to a survey on Blue Nile, each bridesmaid is expected to spend roughly $1500 on all the things she is supposed to buy or attend in preparation for the wedding...that is more than what we are going to spend on catering for 150 people...

So why is this total so high? I thought all they had to do was buy a dress and shoes and arrange a bachelorette party? Nope! That is not even the tip of the iceberg. In fact, I think that if being asked to be a bridesmaid was not initially met with excitement and the squealing of "YES!" a lot of women would decline. This is also why I think it is very common for spats and disagreements to erupt within the bridal party over seemingly small issues. Being a bridesmaid or a Maid of Honor is a lot of work and a lot of money.

Hostess with the Mostess

So what exactly are the bridesmaids paying for?

First off, you as a bridesmaid will probably send a card to the bride-to-be congratulating her on her engagement, maybe you will take the bride out to lunch. But wait, there is more! Typically hosted by the bride's mother, the 2B's might have an engagement party. Engagement parties can also be hosted by the newly engaged as a means of getting everyone together for an informal dinner or BBQ as a meet and greet and to chat it up about the wedding. Regardless, bridesmaids will be invited and etiquette will dictate that they bring a gift.

Why? I am not really sure exactly because engagement parties are not something people do where I live and I have never been to one. However, if a bride announces she is having an engagement party she might already have a registry started. As a guest and a bridesmaid you might want to pick up *something* to bring - or offer to make a dessert or bring a bottle of grocery wine. Engagement parties are typically the only thing a Maid of Honor is NOT supposed to take the reigns on in terms of pre-wedding parties and things for the bride. They along with the other bridesmaids are just supposed to attend.

Wed Savvy

As a bridesmaid you will also want to start scouring the bride's gift registry. The Maid of Honor and bridesmaids along with the mother of the bride and the groom often help with setting up registries as well. I would suggest you start shopping for the wedding gift as soon as possible so you do not get stuck with a big ticket item or weird/random odds and ends left on the list. I was a procrastinator at a few weddings I attended where I ended up buying random bathroom whatnot's because nothing else was available for what I could spend. As a bridesmaid, you DO NOT want to end up gifting the wimpiest thing on the registry. NOR are you expected to foot the bill for a $500 pot & pan set or a Dyson.

As a BM also might want to get with other bridesmaids and see if you want to all pitch in and get a "big gift". The Maid of Honor might suggest this as well and if that is the case, she will be in charge of pooling the money and ultimately buying the large gift. At any rate, the sooner you get on gift detail for the wedding the better. Additionally, the Maid of Honor is supposed to be the one to spread the word on where you are registered for gifts. Bridesmaids are supposed to know as well so they can give correct information if asked. Around here, it is common to get a card inside the invitation with registry information - apparently this is a HUGE NO-NO, so don't do it! Have your MoH or mom tell people what you want, or have it on your wedding website.

United With Love

About 4-5 months out from the wedding you will be tasked with going to look for a bridesmaid dress. This will likely be your biggest expense as a bridesmaid and generally the most problematic. While there is no real average for the cost of a dress since you can get one from a bridal shop, online, or at a department store, according to a forum on The Knot it seems most dresses purchased from bridal/prom shops ended up being about $150. When I got a few quotes for simple, modern styles, the ones I looked at were about $170. Bridesmaids are expected to buy their own dress and even if it is heinous, if it is what the bride wants, so it be. No matter what you end up buying as a bridesmaid, you probably will not ever wear it again after the wedding.

A respectful bride will ask her girls what they are comfortable spending, but keep in mind you are not just stopping at the dress. You might need to pay for alterations and accessories like sashes, bows, or hair decorations. The bride also might require you to buy certain matching shoes. So, suddenly your $150 dress might become a $350 outfit with all included accessories. Most brides will give day of jewelry to her bridal party in their gift at the rehearsal dinner, but if not you might be required to buy pearls or other matching bauble. You also might need to buy a new strapless bra or Spanx, so these are yet more expenses to tack onto the initial cost of the dress.

Bridal Shower Invitation Wording

Just as you are recuperating from dropping a heavy dime on a butt-ugly acetate gown, before you know it you will be ready to attend a bridal shower - and yes, bring another gift. This is even more of a financial burden for a Maid of Honor because traditionally, she is the one footing the bill for the majority of this event! A MoH will typically dictate if she wants a particular bridesmaid to buy a cake, or get appetizers for this to lessen the financial burden. Now, times have changed and now a days mothers of the bride and future mother in laws are also known to host showers - but Maids of Honor are really supposed to host a party as well. They can be as simple as a tea or luncheon at the Maid of Honor's home, or even at a small cafe. Or, they can be so large an involved that it requires the rental of a room or event space, complete with catering, cake, refreshments, and games with prizes.

Some bridal showers are also very formal, so you might need to buy a new sundress or something appropriate (most brides will wear a cute, white dress to the event herself). Remember when I said you should get on gift detail early? Well depending on how much stuff the bride has on her registry, bank on her getting half of it at her shower. I was not aware of this until I started researching registries and what to put on them. If you ever noticed, usually after the first bridal shower the bride will suddenly add a bunch of random and higher priced items to her registry. Well, that is because the whole line of kitchen goods she added to her Target registry will be decimated  for her shower.

If you are the host/Maid of Honor, it is YOUR JOB to make sure EVERYTHING is taken care of at the bridal shower! You will need to send out invitations, create to-do lists, get with the bride to update her registry, order cakes and food, schedule the procession of events (A sit down meal? Opening of gifts? Will the groom show up later? Serving alcohol and mixing drinks? Playing games?), write down the names of who gave what gift, and so on. It is common to get with the mother of the bride for help with this as well.

Mink Cards

The next item on the event and expense list is the bachelorette party! This is usually the most fun event the bride and her girls will participate in...but unlike a shower each bridesmaid is not only supposed to pay their own way, but pay for the bride as well. Not all bachelorette parties involve booking flights to Vegas and staying in five-star hotel rooms but that does not mean they are "cheap events". Again, the Maid of Honor is almost always the person in charge of planning and booking everything. She will send out invitations, get the bride's measurements for lingerie, create a party theme, buy favors, arrange for certain outfits or custom shirts to be worn, make travel arrangements such as a taxi or limo service, etc.

Not all brides are into the club scene however and may prefer something more modest like high tea or a luncheon followed by a spa day or staying at a resort or cabin together. No matter what the Maid of Honor decides, she is going to be the one saddled with almost the entire expense with the bridesmaids each chipping in to pay for the bride. In the event of a shared hotel room or limo, each bridesmaid is also expected to pony up - the same holds true for meals. The Maid of Honor will typically dictate to each bridesmaid what they are expected to pay for or do for the bachelorette party. If you are staying the night together somewhere, unless you are totally plastered from drinking and dancing, usually this is time for games and late night eats followed by brunch and mimosas the following morning.

Wedding Salon

So it is the night before the big day and you FINALLY have something to attend that is wedding related where you do not have to do anything - the rehearsal dinner! But wait, you might have to do something after all... Typically, the grooms family pays for the whole dinner. As a bridesmaid you are just supposed to show up and eat while the bride sobbingly tells a story about each of her maids and how wonderful they are as friends and how supportive they have been. But before you get to the restaurant you might have to buy an appropriate dress. Some rehearsal dinners are held at casual restaurants where skinny jeans and a blouse will suffice - but some are held at swanky lounges where a cocktail dress is a must. You also might not be able to recycle your look from the bridal shower because a sundress might not be appropriate for an evening affair.

Like me and most women, we have a little black dress in our closets for such an event and this will not be an issue. So, unless you are the Maid of Honor - who will probably want to prepare a small speech - you just have to be there and be gracious for the gifts you will be receiving from the bride. This is also where you will wish you were a groomsman this whole time because all they had to do was try on a rented tux and throw a stag party where they drank heavily and made bodily function jokes all night...

Dynamite Weddings

So it is the big day! It is finally here! And yet, you are forced to open your wallet yet again! The morning of the wedding you will probably be up at the crack of dawn preparing to go to the salon. Some brides will suggest you get a mani-pedi, and possibly get your makeup professionally applied - others will not care at all and it is up to the girl if they want this or not. What all the bridesmaids will be required to do in almost all instances is get their hair done. Unless you are going to a beauty school for this, having specialty "day of event hair" can cost roughly $35-$90 a person. Some salons offer packages where the cost is lower based on the number of girls, but at any rate it can be really expensive. This is something each bridesmaid will be required to pay for unless it is gifted to them by the bride.

Since wedding day beautification can take a few hours, it is usually up to the Maid of Honor to arrange (and pay for) brunch that will be delivered to the ceremony site and be ready for everyone when they arrive from the salon. She can get with the mother of the bride or mother of the groom to help with this as well. This can be as simple as a tray of fruit and cheese or more elaborate with smoothies and fresh croissants. It is important that there be something for the girls to eat since there might not be any sustenance until dinner.

My Riviera Wedding

If you are a bridesmaid, all you have to do now is put on your dress, and walk down the aisle to await the bride! If you are a Maid of Honor, you will have duties all night long. I might get into that in another post because the day of duties of a Maid of Honor rival those of some small military operations, but at least now the spending spree is over! It is finally time to relax, party it up, and have a good time with the bride and groom! Aside from answering questions posted by guests, your job as a bridesmaid is not much more than that of a guest. You should be around to make sure the bride does not need anything - such as four maids to help her pee or finding someone to refill her drink. Aside from that, you are free to dance and eat and have a good time. If anything, bridesmaids should be around to make sure they can help out the Maid of Honor since she will be doing most of the work the day of the wedding.

Keep in mind that along the line these are NOT YOUR ONLY EXPENSES as a bridesmaid!!! You will need to consider the cost of travel. This might be as simple as driving across town to meet up for a lunch or a party, but others might require you to drive for several hours or even fly to certain events. This is more common today than years ago because so many people move out of town or state after they graduate - which is also when most people start to get married. If you are in a situation where you will be driving for hours or flying, you will have to arrange and pay for hotel rooms, on the road meals, rental cars, taxis, etc. If you are buying gifts locally, you might have to ship them to the bride if you cannot take them yourself. You might need to take time off work to make appointments or hire baby or pet sitters for long weekends. You also MIGHT BE MARRIED YOURSELF and will be taking your husband with you if you have to travel.

Once Wed

Another thing you might get roped into paying for and helping with are DIY projects. You might be tasked with picking up an industrial jug of Mod Podge or helping design invitations on Photoshop. If you are DIY savvy, you might be asked to make 15 boutonnieres by yourself (and pay for the crafts) as a favor to the bride.

Ultimately, the final thing to consider is the bride herself and how you think she will treat you. Some brides can be like the ones on TV; yes those are the ones I am talking about. They think their bridesmaids are slaves and expect them to not only wait on them hand and foot, but also pay for outrageous gifts and lavish parties. You also might want to be aware of who else will be in the bridal party to anticipate issues which might result in you declining to accept the duties of a bridesmaid or MoH. If not, you might end up paying for a flaky maid to attend a dinner or footing a bill for the bachelorette party that was supposed to be split 6 ways but is now being split for 4.

In a perfect world, all the bridesmaids and the bride would all be on the same page and in a similar financial situations. This however hardly ever happens and you should not accept the duties if you really do not think you can handle it emotionally or financially. Numerous friendships have been ruined over fights that occurred regarding duties of bridesmaids. You can go on any Wedding Wire or The Knot forums and see "rants" where a maid had a blow up with the bride and suddenly a 20 year friendship is down the tubes. Truth be told, NOTHING REGARDING A WEDDING IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO RUIN FRIENDSHIPS OVER. If you are a bridesmaid and you are in over your head, be honest with the bride and bow out. If she is a good friend, she will not raise a stink over it and understand. Likewise, a bride should never put a cash-strapped bridesmaid in a position where she will need to spend an arm and a leg on a dress and then be expected to spend hundreds on flights to and from various vacations and parties. Being in a wedding party can quickly become a money pit, and it is important for brides and bridesmaids to understand this and take it into account before they dole out or accept responsibilities without fully understanding what they are getting into financially.

*Just a note. No one in a wedding party is required or forced to do anything just because it is what the bride wants. Just like things should never be expected or assumed especially when it comes to money and who pays for what. These are just typical examples of what a fully involved bridal party can expect to arrange, pay for, or attend.