Being a Bridesmaid or Maid of Honor - The Money Pit

The Offbeat Bride

So you have just been asked by one of your besites to be a bridesmaid or Maid of Honor. Now, what do you do? Where do you begin? And ultimately, how much is this going to set you back financially? The reality is being a Maid of Honor or a bridesmaid will seem like a never ending money pit to many unsuspecting ladies.

I have never had the pleasure of being a bridesmaid myself. I have been to many weddings, but the truth is I do not have a lot of close female friends. Because of this, I really had no idea what a bridesmaid or Maid of Honor was supposed to do, what she was supposed to pay for, arrange, etc. So, off to the internet I went. I HAD NO IDEA it was SO EXPENSIVE to be a bridesmaid! It is even more expensive to be a Maid of Honor. I was shocked actually given that a large number of bridesmaids are in their early 20s and probably cannot afford much. According to a survey on Blue Nile, each bridesmaid is expected to spend roughly $1500 on all the things she is supposed to buy or attend in preparation for the wedding...that is more than what we are going to spend on catering for 150 people...

So why is this total so high? I thought all they had to do was buy a dress and shoes and arrange a bachelorette party? Nope! That is not even the tip of the iceberg. In fact, I think that if being asked to be a bridesmaid was not initially met with excitement and the squealing of "YES!" a lot of women would decline. This is also why I think it is very common for spats and disagreements to erupt within the bridal party over seemingly small issues. Being a bridesmaid or a Maid of Honor is a lot of work and a lot of money.

Hostess with the Mostess

So what exactly are the bridesmaids paying for?

First off, you as a bridesmaid will probably send a card to the bride-to-be congratulating her on her engagement, maybe you will take the bride out to lunch. But wait, there is more! Typically hosted by the bride's mother, the 2B's might have an engagement party. Engagement parties can also be hosted by the newly engaged as a means of getting everyone together for an informal dinner or BBQ as a meet and greet and to chat it up about the wedding. Regardless, bridesmaids will be invited and etiquette will dictate that they bring a gift.

Why? I am not really sure exactly because engagement parties are not something people do where I live and I have never been to one. However, if a bride announces she is having an engagement party she might already have a registry started. As a guest and a bridesmaid you might want to pick up *something* to bring - or offer to make a dessert or bring a bottle of grocery wine. Engagement parties are typically the only thing a Maid of Honor is NOT supposed to take the reigns on in terms of pre-wedding parties and things for the bride. They along with the other bridesmaids are just supposed to attend.

Wed Savvy

As a bridesmaid you will also want to start scouring the bride's gift registry. The Maid of Honor and bridesmaids along with the mother of the bride and the groom often help with setting up registries as well. I would suggest you start shopping for the wedding gift as soon as possible so you do not get stuck with a big ticket item or weird/random odds and ends left on the list. I was a procrastinator at a few weddings I attended where I ended up buying random bathroom whatnot's because nothing else was available for what I could spend. As a bridesmaid, you DO NOT want to end up gifting the wimpiest thing on the registry. NOR are you expected to foot the bill for a $500 pot & pan set or a Dyson.

As a BM also might want to get with other bridesmaids and see if you want to all pitch in and get a "big gift". The Maid of Honor might suggest this as well and if that is the case, she will be in charge of pooling the money and ultimately buying the large gift. At any rate, the sooner you get on gift detail for the wedding the better. Additionally, the Maid of Honor is supposed to be the one to spread the word on where you are registered for gifts. Bridesmaids are supposed to know as well so they can give correct information if asked. Around here, it is common to get a card inside the invitation with registry information - apparently this is a HUGE NO-NO, so don't do it! Have your MoH or mom tell people what you want, or have it on your wedding website.

United With Love

About 4-5 months out from the wedding you will be tasked with going to look for a bridesmaid dress. This will likely be your biggest expense as a bridesmaid and generally the most problematic. While there is no real average for the cost of a dress since you can get one from a bridal shop, online, or at a department store, according to a forum on The Knot it seems most dresses purchased from bridal/prom shops ended up being about $150. When I got a few quotes for simple, modern styles, the ones I looked at were about $170. Bridesmaids are expected to buy their own dress and even if it is heinous, if it is what the bride wants, so it be. No matter what you end up buying as a bridesmaid, you probably will not ever wear it again after the wedding.

A respectful bride will ask her girls what they are comfortable spending, but keep in mind you are not just stopping at the dress. You might need to pay for alterations and accessories like sashes, bows, or hair decorations. The bride also might require you to buy certain matching shoes. So, suddenly your $150 dress might become a $350 outfit with all included accessories. Most brides will give day of jewelry to her bridal party in their gift at the rehearsal dinner, but if not you might be required to buy pearls or other matching bauble. You also might need to buy a new strapless bra or Spanx, so these are yet more expenses to tack onto the initial cost of the dress.

Bridal Shower Invitation Wording

Just as you are recuperating from dropping a heavy dime on a butt-ugly acetate gown, before you know it you will be ready to attend a bridal shower - and yes, bring another gift. This is even more of a financial burden for a Maid of Honor because traditionally, she is the one footing the bill for the majority of this event! A MoH will typically dictate if she wants a particular bridesmaid to buy a cake, or get appetizers for this to lessen the financial burden. Now, times have changed and now a days mothers of the bride and future mother in laws are also known to host showers - but Maids of Honor are really supposed to host a party as well. They can be as simple as a tea or luncheon at the Maid of Honor's home, or even at a small cafe. Or, they can be so large an involved that it requires the rental of a room or event space, complete with catering, cake, refreshments, and games with prizes.

Some bridal showers are also very formal, so you might need to buy a new sundress or something appropriate (most brides will wear a cute, white dress to the event herself). Remember when I said you should get on gift detail early? Well depending on how much stuff the bride has on her registry, bank on her getting half of it at her shower. I was not aware of this until I started researching registries and what to put on them. If you ever noticed, usually after the first bridal shower the bride will suddenly add a bunch of random and higher priced items to her registry. Well, that is because the whole line of kitchen goods she added to her Target registry will be decimated  for her shower.

If you are the host/Maid of Honor, it is YOUR JOB to make sure EVERYTHING is taken care of at the bridal shower! You will need to send out invitations, create to-do lists, get with the bride to update her registry, order cakes and food, schedule the procession of events (A sit down meal? Opening of gifts? Will the groom show up later? Serving alcohol and mixing drinks? Playing games?), write down the names of who gave what gift, and so on. It is common to get with the mother of the bride for help with this as well.

Mink Cards

The next item on the event and expense list is the bachelorette party! This is usually the most fun event the bride and her girls will participate in...but unlike a shower each bridesmaid is not only supposed to pay their own way, but pay for the bride as well. Not all bachelorette parties involve booking flights to Vegas and staying in five-star hotel rooms but that does not mean they are "cheap events". Again, the Maid of Honor is almost always the person in charge of planning and booking everything. She will send out invitations, get the bride's measurements for lingerie, create a party theme, buy favors, arrange for certain outfits or custom shirts to be worn, make travel arrangements such as a taxi or limo service, etc.

Not all brides are into the club scene however and may prefer something more modest like high tea or a luncheon followed by a spa day or staying at a resort or cabin together. No matter what the Maid of Honor decides, she is going to be the one saddled with almost the entire expense with the bridesmaids each chipping in to pay for the bride. In the event of a shared hotel room or limo, each bridesmaid is also expected to pony up - the same holds true for meals. The Maid of Honor will typically dictate to each bridesmaid what they are expected to pay for or do for the bachelorette party. If you are staying the night together somewhere, unless you are totally plastered from drinking and dancing, usually this is time for games and late night eats followed by brunch and mimosas the following morning.

Wedding Salon

So it is the night before the big day and you FINALLY have something to attend that is wedding related where you do not have to do anything - the rehearsal dinner! But wait, you might have to do something after all... Typically, the grooms family pays for the whole dinner. As a bridesmaid you are just supposed to show up and eat while the bride sobbingly tells a story about each of her maids and how wonderful they are as friends and how supportive they have been. But before you get to the restaurant you might have to buy an appropriate dress. Some rehearsal dinners are held at casual restaurants where skinny jeans and a blouse will suffice - but some are held at swanky lounges where a cocktail dress is a must. You also might not be able to recycle your look from the bridal shower because a sundress might not be appropriate for an evening affair.

Like me and most women, we have a little black dress in our closets for such an event and this will not be an issue. So, unless you are the Maid of Honor - who will probably want to prepare a small speech - you just have to be there and be gracious for the gifts you will be receiving from the bride. This is also where you will wish you were a groomsman this whole time because all they had to do was try on a rented tux and throw a stag party where they drank heavily and made bodily function jokes all night...

Dynamite Weddings

So it is the big day! It is finally here! And yet, you are forced to open your wallet yet again! The morning of the wedding you will probably be up at the crack of dawn preparing to go to the salon. Some brides will suggest you get a mani-pedi, and possibly get your makeup professionally applied - others will not care at all and it is up to the girl if they want this or not. What all the bridesmaids will be required to do in almost all instances is get their hair done. Unless you are going to a beauty school for this, having specialty "day of event hair" can cost roughly $35-$90 a person. Some salons offer packages where the cost is lower based on the number of girls, but at any rate it can be really expensive. This is something each bridesmaid will be required to pay for unless it is gifted to them by the bride.

Since wedding day beautification can take a few hours, it is usually up to the Maid of Honor to arrange (and pay for) brunch that will be delivered to the ceremony site and be ready for everyone when they arrive from the salon. She can get with the mother of the bride or mother of the groom to help with this as well. This can be as simple as a tray of fruit and cheese or more elaborate with smoothies and fresh croissants. It is important that there be something for the girls to eat since there might not be any sustenance until dinner.

My Riviera Wedding

If you are a bridesmaid, all you have to do now is put on your dress, and walk down the aisle to await the bride! If you are a Maid of Honor, you will have duties all night long. I might get into that in another post because the day of duties of a Maid of Honor rival those of some small military operations, but at least now the spending spree is over! It is finally time to relax, party it up, and have a good time with the bride and groom! Aside from answering questions posted by guests, your job as a bridesmaid is not much more than that of a guest. You should be around to make sure the bride does not need anything - such as four maids to help her pee or finding someone to refill her drink. Aside from that, you are free to dance and eat and have a good time. If anything, bridesmaids should be around to make sure they can help out the Maid of Honor since she will be doing most of the work the day of the wedding.

Keep in mind that along the line these are NOT YOUR ONLY EXPENSES as a bridesmaid!!! You will need to consider the cost of travel. This might be as simple as driving across town to meet up for a lunch or a party, but others might require you to drive for several hours or even fly to certain events. This is more common today than years ago because so many people move out of town or state after they graduate - which is also when most people start to get married. If you are in a situation where you will be driving for hours or flying, you will have to arrange and pay for hotel rooms, on the road meals, rental cars, taxis, etc. If you are buying gifts locally, you might have to ship them to the bride if you cannot take them yourself. You might need to take time off work to make appointments or hire baby or pet sitters for long weekends. You also MIGHT BE MARRIED YOURSELF and will be taking your husband with you if you have to travel.

Once Wed

Another thing you might get roped into paying for and helping with are DIY projects. You might be tasked with picking up an industrial jug of Mod Podge or helping design invitations on Photoshop. If you are DIY savvy, you might be asked to make 15 boutonnieres by yourself (and pay for the crafts) as a favor to the bride.

Ultimately, the final thing to consider is the bride herself and how you think she will treat you. Some brides can be like the ones on TV; yes those are the ones I am talking about. They think their bridesmaids are slaves and expect them to not only wait on them hand and foot, but also pay for outrageous gifts and lavish parties. You also might want to be aware of who else will be in the bridal party to anticipate issues which might result in you declining to accept the duties of a bridesmaid or MoH. If not, you might end up paying for a flaky maid to attend a dinner or footing a bill for the bachelorette party that was supposed to be split 6 ways but is now being split for 4.

In a perfect world, all the bridesmaids and the bride would all be on the same page and in a similar financial situations. This however hardly ever happens and you should not accept the duties if you really do not think you can handle it emotionally or financially. Numerous friendships have been ruined over fights that occurred regarding duties of bridesmaids. You can go on any Wedding Wire or The Knot forums and see "rants" where a maid had a blow up with the bride and suddenly a 20 year friendship is down the tubes. Truth be told, NOTHING REGARDING A WEDDING IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO RUIN FRIENDSHIPS OVER. If you are a bridesmaid and you are in over your head, be honest with the bride and bow out. If she is a good friend, she will not raise a stink over it and understand. Likewise, a bride should never put a cash-strapped bridesmaid in a position where she will need to spend an arm and a leg on a dress and then be expected to spend hundreds on flights to and from various vacations and parties. Being in a wedding party can quickly become a money pit, and it is important for brides and bridesmaids to understand this and take it into account before they dole out or accept responsibilities without fully understanding what they are getting into financially.

*Just a note. No one in a wedding party is required or forced to do anything just because it is what the bride wants. Just like things should never be expected or assumed especially when it comes to money and who pays for what. These are just typical examples of what a fully involved bridal party can expect to arrange, pay for, or attend.  

How to ask for Cash or Unconventional Gifts at a Wedding without being TOTALLY Tacky

The Manor Restaurant

For some young couples, their wedding is the one and only time they can ask for literally an entire store and they might actually get most of it. This is the whole point of wedding registries! Young couples starting out often have absolutely nothing to start their new lives with. In fact, of the weddings I have attended about half the couples did not even have kitchen basics like dishes and glasses or bedding or linens. You must think too that perhaps the groom's "bachelor crates-for-end tables" will not go over well with his new bride.

Young people just do not tend to amass a plethora of household items unless they really need them. Most 20 somethings also live at home while they attend college or end up moving back home after they graduate. So, there is no need for a single person to buy a blender or toaster for themselves since they can use their parent's stuff. This is why wedding registries are so important for couples!

Nonchalant Living

But, what happens if you really do not need anything? With more couples getting married for the first time later in life, the odds of both the bride and groom living alone previously or cohabitating and already owning kitchen staples and furniture is more common. This is the exact dilemma I have found myself in.

I have been buying and selling vintage and antique items since I was 16 years old. Needless to say, I need no furniture. I also have a house. The home belonged to my grandmother and my mom held onto it as a rental after she died. I currently use it as my office and a photo studio. This spring it will be cleaned out and my office will be relocated into my barn so my fiance and I can actually live in the house once we get married. Although my fiance and I have never cohabitated in the 6 1/2 years we have been together, I am already certain we do not need any items that traditionally appear on a gift registry.

I inherited about 20 "kitchen do-dads" from my wonderful Aunt Kelly 3 years ago when my grandmother moved in with her and my uncle. She filled my car with all kinds of cool loot! Other things like blenders, Cuisinarts, and coffee makers, I have picked up over the years for next to nothing at auctions. I knew I would need these items one day, so if I could get a brand new Crockpot for $1 at an auction, I bought it. 

Wedding Paper Divas

In years past it was extremely faux-pas to give cash for gifts at weddings (I understand this is a regional thing). You just did not do it. Just like some people today still feel that giving gift cards at Christmas is the "lazy way out". I do not see it like that at all. I would much rather give a gift card or money to someone so they can get what they want instead of getting some trinket they will never use. 

The situation is a bit different with a wedding. Guests coming to your wedding really do like having the opportunity to help you out as you start a new chapter of your life. But, older generations still do balk at the idea of just giving money. And it is really tacky for a couple to just ask for cash. It is even more crass to be cutesie about it and have cash grabs at the wedding - I absolutely abhor "dollar dances" and "money trees" and "honeymoon jars" at weddings if it is not in your culture to do so - it is in such bad taste. 

However, with more and more couples cohabitating before marriage, registries are needed to let people know what you need since you likely have a bunch of stuff already. This is sort of  why wedding registries were invented - wealthy families would usually set the new couple up with expensive staples. Then, they could ask others for things that would last them for the next 20 years like silverware, bedding, dishes, etc. They were designed to let others know what a new couple would need to set up housekeeping and not have them end up with 10 toasters and one linen napkin. However, I just cannot get behind the idea of doing a registry for a bunch of "matchy" stuff that I honestly do not need or want - or that will break, wear out, or go out of style within 3 years. Things made today are not meant to last like they did 30 years ago.

Guest of a Guest

I am not alone in this idea that traditional wedding registries are rather dated in not practical for most modern couples. I was actually researching how to ask for "non-gifts" instead of "stuff" online and came across several posts and articles regarding this very issue. 

Almost everyone agrees that it is still in really bad taste to ask for a monetary hand out - but I think it is equally as ridiculous to put 100 things on a registry for crap you don't really need just for the sake of giving guests a list of stuff to pick from so they arrive with something in hand. 

I am personally TOTALLY FINE with our guests arriving at our wedding without a gift, but I know most guests would never think of attending without bringing one. It is far more important to me that guests come to our wedding and have a good time - not that they come bearing a gift.

If you really do not need traditional things that appear on wedding registries you can ask for or suggest the following instead.

Home Food Safety

Stuff A Couple Can Do Together:

Guests can scour Groupon for coupons for picnics, winery tours, guided nature walks, rock climbing lessons, zip line runs, etc. to give to the newlyweds. You can present the coupon inside a little picnic basket with some fresh fruit and cheese. Maybe some sparkling grape juice and a couple of plastic fluted glasses (be park friendly with plastic)! Suggest the couple make a day or a weekend of the event. As a couple, this is SO EASY to ask for especially if you have a website for your wedding. 

For example, my fiance and I are very active and outdoorsy and most of our friends and family know this. If you think your guests need hints, instead of having a link to 3-4 registries you can have a "Things We Love" page. Guests will get the idea very quickly and it gives them the opportunity to get creative with their gift. I would personally LOVE this as a gift! I know I would totally treasure a nature walk courtesy of Uncle "X" over a set of knives or tumblers.

Visit My Smokies

Help Pay For A Honeymoon:

This has become a very common gift request in recent years - but it is not always handled very well. For whatever reason, couples think it is OK to do a "honeymoon fund jar" at the wedding. So, in addition to guests bringing gifts they are then presented with another request for a handout...very tacky. Most couples tend to go on cruises or travel abroad for their honeymoons, which can get really expensive and it won't be something dollars and change in a jar will pay for. 

However, on the flip side of this just as many couples are delaying their honeymoons because more and more couples are footing the bills for their own weddings. Couples on a tight budget might want to have a nice reception for close friends and family and they really might not ever be able to afford a honeymoon. 

If this is the case, I see nothing wrong with asking for money to either help pay for the wedding or the honeymoon as the primary gift. Notice I said primary - do not ask or expect guests to buy you a wrapped gift and then give money too. You can set up your wedding website with a Paypal account for guests to send you money for a honeymoon - which in reality you can use for anything you wanted. You can also use the Paypal account idea for another reason...

Homes Channel

Let Guests Know You Are Buying a House:

You can ask for money to go towards a new house in the same fashion as you can ask for cash for your honeymoon. However, this approach in my opinion does not go over very well. Some people like a honeymoon fund over the house fund because guests might not like the idea of pitching in $20 for a "new house some day". This is more of a thing to tell family members than the rest of your guests. This is something to consider however if you would really value a down payment on a new home over a honeymoon.

Faux Stone Depot

Remark About Home Improvements Instead:

This approach is much easier for guests to digest and comprehend. Lowe's and Home Depot actually stopped doing in-store registries in 2010 for some reason, but you can still ask to receive gift cards. This is likely what we will do since we will already be living in a home when we get married. My fiance can ask for tools this way too - which he can use for work or helping me around the house since I am a re-purposing diva! Another GREAT plus about requesting gift cards for home improvement stores is that you can buy APPLIANCES there! A new refrigerator might set you back $1000 - so asking for gift cards to go towards new appliances is a great way to get most of those kinds of costs paid for without putting a whole kitchen on a registry somewhere.

Another great thing about having gift cards for home improvement stores is you can hold onto them for emergencies. I honestly cannot think of anything I could purchase at Macy's or Target that would help me if my pipes burst one winter or if a storm blew a branch through my living room window. Most couples never think about this when they move into a home together let alone take it into consideration when doing a wedding registry.

Dex Knows Weddings

The Verdict:

When it comes to wedding gift registries, I honestly do not see the point in asking for a bunch of items you do not really need, may never use, or will take up so much space they will never leave the box they came in (like Kitchen Aid Mixers, pasta rollers, a rotisserie, etc.). Nor do I think it is practical to ask for items "just because" when you can make do with what you already have. Furthermore, I think most people do understand that if a couple has been living together for 5 years or they are both approaching the age of 30 that they probably do not need any stuff.

I see nothing wrong in asking for cash/gift cards to help pay for a new home, a renovation, a honeymoon, a baby fund, etc. since most people will in fact bring a gift to a wedding no matter what. I just think your method of asking or spreading the word means everything in terms of making sure you are not being tacky or "money grabby". I mean let's face it, even if you opt to not have a registry at all or even mention gifts - almost every single person who attends your wedding will bring you something. That is just what people do. While you might think you can be clever and not mention anything about gifts, you will end up with all kinds of things asked for or not.

123RF

If you do decide to ask for cash, do not forget to hint as to what it is for. People want to know where their money is going when it is given as a gift. They just do - especially older people. You do not have to be specific, but the fact you indicate that you will use the funds towards a new home or a kitchen renovation will suffice.

Many couples will add supplementary cards to their invitations to indicate where they have their registries. There are pros and cons to this - Some guests might feel pigeonholed into buying "whatnots" from specific stores even if they had something else in mind. This is especially bad if you register with stores your family members would never set foot in (William Sonoma, Crate & Barrel, Ikea, Bed, Bath & Beyond, etc. are places my family has never shopped). Then again it does give guests a list to take with them when they go shopping for you. 

TLC Events

You can get into the same problem if you simply ask for "cash only" because it can guilt trip guests into forking over more money than they initially planned. And, it just comes across as being really snooty and pretentious to ask for "cash only". People do not want to come across as being cheapskates. However, some people feel better about giving a $20 table cloth instead of $20 in an envelope. A friend of mine once said putting $20 or less inside a card is what you give at a birthday party, not a wedding. I do not think it matters how much you give or spend whatsoever - but if you feel cheap, put $10 on a gift card so it does not look as "bad" if you think cash only looks wimpy or insufficient.

I think a MUCH better idea is to add a small sentence on the invitations that either includes a website for your wedding where you will provide supplemental information and a gift list, or a phone number for people to call someone specific to inquire about gifts. If you tell your MoH or your mom what you really want, it is much easier and it comes off much better to have your mom tell your Great Aunt Gertrude over the phone you would like money for a patio project or a gift card to a certain place. You could also have your MoH be in charge of spreading the word that you would like money in lieu of stuff, so by the time your wedding day arrives most people already know that you would like gift cards or cash instead of items. 

Emma Approved

WHAT EVER YOU DO - Please, please do not put some stupid, cutesie poem about asking for money in your invitations or on your wedding website. You are not a 5-year old; you are two adults getting married. It is very immature, coy, and conceited in many peoples' eyes to ask for money this way. It comes across as you playing a game or trying to be funny when it really seems like you are begging. If you are requesting money for a down payment on a house, just come out and say it. Elderly people attending your wedding will not "get" the poem thing and it will not go over well when they embarrassingly call your mother for an explanation. I have read so many forums online where guests flat out refused to attend weddings where cash poems or blunt requests for money were in the invitations.

A Blissful Nest

What We Will Do For Our Wedding Registry:

I will have my fiance register for tools he might need on Amazon and/or simply ask for gift cards to Lowe's. Tools are something that I do not have at my house already, and honestly him having tools will help me more in the long run than me spearheading the registry. Furthermore, I use tools too! I will probably register for 10-15 small things at Target since it is the only "real" store where I shop aside from the grocery. Most everyone shops at Target and their stuff is inexpensive so guests should feel comfortable shopping there for those who want to give a wrapped gift. We will probably do a page of "Things We Love" on our wedding website to "hint" that anything gardening related would be appreciated and highlight the fact that my fiance and I enjoy the outdoors very much. 

I also love the idea of asking for Groupon "stuff to do's". I think a surprise guided tour, murder mystery dinner, pizza date night, or something quirky like that would be so much fun! I would even be down for going to a shooting range or laser tag! These are things that my fiance and I do not normally do, so for someone to give that as a gift might open up new opportunities for us to experience something new. 

Dream Wedding Officiants

I am also very much tempted to ask for "junk" people have laying around their homes for gifts. I would be elated if someone gave me a 1960's ceiling fixture from their house or a teak nightstand that has been in the garage for 20 years. I am totally serious. A bag of vintage dresses, a jug of old buttons, a box of costume jewelry - I would be in heaven and it would not cost the giver anything. Think outside the box! If your grandmother does not know what to get you, let her know you have been eying the statue on her mantle since you were 6 and would love it in your house. Remember, weddings are supposed to be a celebration of a couples' new life together. It should not come across as a cash dash or a stress-a-thon over registries.

Wedding Favors - The Pros and Cons of Trinkets vs. Treats and the Fun Factor

I found these wedding favors a few years back on MyWeddingFavors and I thought, "OMG I MUST HAVE THESE FOR MY WEDDING!" Peas and peapods have always been a special thing for my fiance and I despite the fact that they usually bring to mind new babies and expectant mothers. We did decide to have a little bit of a pea pod theme incorporated into our fall wedding by using a custom made pea pod cake topper and green for one of the main colors. When I first found the above salt & pepper shakers I thought how cute would these be to give as favors?! Then I really got to thinking about it...

Fast forward to now as I am currently planning my own wedding and the idea of favors just seems a little unnecessary to me. In the past 5 years I have been to I believe 7 weddings. Each of those weddings had favors of some kind, but I must admit that I did not keep any of the non-edible favors. Three weddings had personalized votive candles. Each had their name and wedding date with a simple vanilla scented candle. While I took mine home and used it, I threw the votive away when the candle was through because who really wants a trinket with someone else's name and wedding date on it? At one wedding, the votive candles were so well incorporated into the couples tablescape that only a handful of the 200+ guests knew/realized they were supposed to take the candle as a favor!

At other weddings I attended, the trinket style favors included matchbooks, drink holders, pens, and personalized bell Christmas ornaments, in addition to the votive candle holders. Some weddings also had more than one favor. As I priced out the adorable pea pod shakers as favors for myself - at 150 favors that would be a whopping $450 in JUST the favors - not including shipping. Personalization of the labels is extra as well, so really it would cost me about $500 to get these favors for my wedding. Not only is that WAY too expensive for my budget but really, who would want these or use them? They are porcelain and they are salt and pepper shakers. Of all my friends and family members, most of them use salt and pepper crackers that you get generic from the grocery for $1. Let's face it, most people my age will not ever go to the trouble of filling a salt and pepper shaker. As a vintage dealer, have sold quite a few S&P's to collectors but again, they are not typically used. So, unless you had a display area, these would be taken home and likely tossed in a drawer to be forgotten or handed over to Goodwill.

My mother and I were discussing favors the other day and she thinks this concept is so foreign, and yet I know many people who are adamant that something be offered at the table. My mother likened the idea of favors at a wedding to a gift bag filled with Crayons and candy you hand out at a child's birthday party. However, I do feel it is important to offer something as a "Thank You" to the guests. Interestingly, my notion that trinket type favors are on the outs with brides and guests alike was bolstered by a forum I found on WeddingWire where a person asked, "Do Guests Really Want Wedding Favors?". The overwhelming majority answered "no", but did agree that edible favors would go over better.

After sorting the pros and cons with various kinds of favors (which I will list below) I concluded we will do an edible favor - cookies to be exact. I really loved the idea above that I found on Pinterest. It had no link associated with it, but these are Anchor Hocking jars that you can get at Wal-Mart for $9.97 each. I personally despise shopping at Wal-Mart but the truth of the matter is that these 2-gallon cookie jars are MADE IN THE USA by Anchor Hocking and they are extremely nice and Wal-Mart has the cheapest price.

While this is a very nice and appealing display for cookies, the problem with a "buffet style" get-your-own treat bar is guests that over serve themselves. My mother told me while she was researching the cookie favor option, many brides regretted having a serve yourself cookie bar. Not only would guests graze on cookies all night long, but then they would take SEVERAL fill-your-own-bags home for coworkers, neighbors, and friends. It would never occur to me personally to scoop up handfuls of goodies at a WEDDING to pass out to acquaintances, but this apparently happened often enough for several online forums to be dedicated to it.  While the idea IS for the cookies to be eaten by everyone, it seemed that if people were given the option to "take at will", only about half of the guests would get any at all! To eliminate guests from packing 20 cookies into a bag designed to hold 4, we will be making our own personalized bags and place ONE at each table setting that will contain 4 different cookies. If there are any cookies left over, they will be placed on a platter alongside cupcakes and other various small treats to be eaten as "extras" for dessert.

Cookies are not the only treat where you can run into serving issues. You get into the same problems with self-serve candy and popcorn bars. If there are children at your reception, they will inevitably stick their bare hands right into jars forgoing the use of tongs or scoops to grab a treat. You will also notice that the glass jars above have lids - many couples do not take into account that the lids will need space to be set down while guests are serving themselves. You cannot really hold a bag, a heavy glass lid, and a scoop/tongs at the same time. This can also lead to placing bare hands into vessels which can be a HUGE turn off for some people. And do not EVEN get me started on chocolate fountains! Thank goodness they are going out of style, because I honestly cannot think of a worse thing to have at a wedding than a chocolate fountain. Not only will kids stick their hands or faces directly under the molten chocolate (I personally witnessed this happen at two weddings) but guests will not think twice about double dipping a crispy treat they have already bitten into. The fountain becomes an edible Petri dish in no time flat...GROSS! 

Anyway, without further ado, I will go over my pros and cons with various kinds of trinkets and why you might want to opt for an edible favor instead of an item.

The Place Card Holder as a Favor: 

The above place card holders were found at MyWeddingFavors and I thought they would be really cute for a vintage or steampunk theme wedding. If you are having a plated meal you MUST use place cards of some kind so guests know where to sit...but then using the holder as a favor? Why? I mean really, how many guests for one will WANT a single place card holder as a favor and two, who would assume this to be a favor? And yet, there are many sites that suggest using a place card holder to double as a favor. The holders above cost about $1.40 a piece or roughly $210 for 150 guests. If you were to go with an option like this, I would suggest you use them as part of your tablescape then resell them after the wedding.

Better Idea:  

Found at The Knot, here someone used real Clementine oranges or Cuties to hold the place card. Guests can eat these once they are seated and you can make your OWN little tag for the top really easily! You get, what, 30 oranges in a crate for $5 at the grocery? That is only about $0.16 per cardholder or $24 for 150 guests. You could use recycled paper you already have for the tags as well.

Bottle Openers: 

Also found at MyWeddingFavors are these really cute bottle openers. Bottle openers have become very en vogue as wedding favors in the past few years. I believe this might have something to do with the rising popularity of craft beers that have caps that actually come off with a bottle opener. But, unless you are drinking a craft beer I could not tell you the last time I opened a beer or soda that did not have a screw top. Now, I am not a beer drinker myself but we do get beers every once in a while to use for cooking chili. Not once have I ever opened one having to use an opener. You get into the same problem with corkscrews. Odds are, everyone who has wine in their homes already has 3-4 corkscrews so why would they need another? The above openers are quite pricy as well. They are a whopping $2.70 EACH so for 150 guests that would be $405 without shipping. 

Better Idea:  

Coasters! The above coasters I found being handmade from Etsy seller Vermont Branch Company. Most people can, do, and will use coasters. I use coasters at home because I have a glass top coffee table and they are great to have on hand for parties and holiday get-togethers. The above artisan coasters come out to about $3 each ($450 for 150 guests), but coaster are so easy to make yourself if you went with this as a favor option for your wedding. Coasters are a great option because what you can do is get CHEAP "tumbled" tile from a hardware store like Lowe's or Home Depot and you can customize them yourself for often less than $0.25 each. I bet you could whip up coasters for 150 guests at about $40 total cost.

Cute Yet Odd Kitchen Item Favors: 

In recent years bizarre kitchen related items have made their way into wedding favor territory. For example, the personalized honey pots above. Going in the vane of salt and pepper shakers, who uses honey pots today? I collect vintage honey pots and jars but I never use them since my honey comes in its own glass jar from the farmers market. Other items cropping up as favors are mini whisks, ice cube trays, silicone cupcake cups for baking, cookie cutters, measuring spoons, and so on. Unless you or your spouse are bakers or chefs and everyone was aware of that fact, I think giving a kitchen staple that everyone already has is just silly. The kitchen items also seem to be really pricy. The honey pots are $3.70 EACH or $555 for 150 favors.

Better Idea: 

Why not give ACTUAL honey as a favor if you want to use a cooking/baking theme for the gift? These small jars of clover honey can be personalized and are small enough for 2-3 breakfast uses. These come out to about $3 each or about $450 for 150 jars. Again, this is likely something you could get MUCH cheaper from a local bee keeper and you could tie your own twine around the lids and make your own labels. The same holds true for locally made jellies, jams, and salsas.

Things that Smell: 

It seems like today everyone has a "thing" with things that smell - and that "thing" is almost always negative. This includes soaps, candles, perfumes, sachets, potpourris, etc. Not only do you have to be concerned with allergies and headaches, but if you opt for something scented you can bet only a fraction of your guests will like it. For example, most votive candles that you can get at any of a zillion wedding favor stores online use vanilla as the scent - if you do not like vanilla you likely do not have an alternate smell choice. Soaps have become more popular for use in rustic themed weddings as well. The lovely burlap wrapped soaps above are sold by Etsy seller CountryChicSoaps. While these are homemade and probably smell really great, I am actually allergic to many oils people put into homemade soaps. For whatever reason they make my hands puff up, and I also have friends who are allergic to fancy soaps. At $1.65 each ($247.50 for 150) for the soaps above, this makes a really elegant statement...but it would not be appreciated if your guests were turned off by the scent.

Better Idea: 

Wedding seed packets! At WeddingPackets, they make customized seed pouches of your choice to offer as a favor. These are really easy for guests to use because most seeds you can just dump in the soil and lightly cover in the fall and they come up in the spring. Furthermore, most people like flowers even if they are allergic since they can be enjoyed by looking outdoors from inside your house. The ones sold through Wedding Packets are only $0.31 each or $46.50 for 150 packets. However, you could make your own for pennies each and create your own wildflower mix if you wished! 

The Verdict: 

Basically, I cannot really find much fault with edible favors. Especially with cookies - who does NOT like cookies? I know some couples want to make a statement with their favors regardless if their guests really can use/want them. But, as a bride on a budget, I cannot just throw money away on something I think is cute and not consider the appeal factor or usefulness for my guests.If you are the kind of person who thinks they really need to give an item since food and booze is a given at most weddings, think outside the box! There are many DIY tutorials to be found online, and especially on sites like Pinterest where you view many ideas at once. If Mod Podge and label making are not your thing however, you could turn the favor giving into a game! 

You could give $1 Lottery tickets as a favor and ask guests to scratch them off  at a specific time so the big winners can do a "victory dance" with the bride/groom. You could also have an online shop make personalized Fortune Cookies and have 3-5 have fortunes that say the guest has won a prize. Good Fortunes, Inc. will make up to 17 different messages inside their cookies and make custom logos for free. You can also get 500 cookies for $49 which is a steal (each of the 150 guests could have 3 cookies)! The "winning" fortunes could say you won a gift certificate to a nice restaurant or a mani-pedi for a female winner for example. You could also do a raffle and ask guests to "buy" tickets. 

I was at a wedding recently where the bride and groom had what I called a "tip jar or beggars cup" for a honeymoon. They placed a huge glass jug on the GIFT TABLE with a sign that said Honeymoon Fund. I thought this was the tackiest thing I had ever seen. I thought to myself, "Here I am placing the gifts I bought you from your registry on the table, and you are asking for another handout?" I mean I know weddings are expensive and the couple probably did not have much money left over for a honeymoon, but why be so forward about it? Some people thought this was "cute" but many people did not think kindly of the idea. 

I think a much classier way to go about this is to give guests the option to buy raffle tickets for a NICE item - and have the ticket money go towards a honeymoon or new house fund for the bride and groom. For example, say tickets are $1 each and each guest can buy as many as they like. The prize could be a $150 gift certificate to a fancy restaurant like Fogo de Chao or something like that. I bet a lot of people would drop $20 easily on tickets for a chance to win something nice, and it would go over much better than placing a jar on a gift table only to have guests drop pocket change and singles inside. Since we are not having a religious affiliated ceremony or reception I think we might do the Lottery ticket idea (some people can be very much offended by games of chance or gambling, the same goes for liquor as favors so keep this in mind). It would only cost us $150 and it would be a GREAT way to get guests involved on the dance floor!