Grandparents & Elders At The Wedding - Things To Consider

Offbeat Bride

This is one of my favorite wedding related photographs from the internet. This couple decided they should have their grandmothers walk the aisle as "flower ladies" instead of using young children. I mean talk about a great way to make grandmothers be part of the wedding! However, I know that mine and my fiance's grandmothers are not even remotely this spry at their advanced ages. In fact, all four of our grandmothers need walkers or scooters and cannot walk on grass unassisted at all. Some other elderly family members have issues with heat/cold, need to have a bathroom available at all times, have food/medication issues, and so on.

Unfortunately, with so many couples marrying later in life, there are a lot of very elderly grandparents, great aunts and uncles, and even parents in some cases attending weddings with varying degrees of mobility or other health issues. When my fiance and I wed, his grandmothers will be 90 years old, mine will be 85 and 75. Both of our families have aunts and uncles who will be in their 70's. Some walk and can handle uneven terrain just fine, some have assistance with a cane, but others cannot walk on their own at all. This can become a HUGE issue at your wedding if you do not prepare for the "what ifs".

Wheelchair Assistance

If you are getting married in a church, you probably will not have to worry about wheelchair ramps. Since churches are public places, they must be ADA compliant. Even historic churches will have ramps retrofitted over stairs in some instances to make sure those with disabilities or families with strollers and carts can safely enter. That being said, sometimes the travel from the parking lot to the church can be an issue. Some people have a very hard time walking on gravel driveways or parking lots (many country churches do not have paved driveways). If your grandmother uses a push walker, these are virtually unusable on gravel and the tripping hazard is very high.

If you think about it, it is almost impossible to push an empty shopping cart on gravel, let alone a walker with only two wheels. Make sure if this is the case that there is a drive up area where elders can be dropped off so they can get inside safely. Typically, a church only has one area for a drop off - which is also typically where a "getaway car" or a horse drawn carriage will be parked for the bride and groom. Be sure you discuss this with the rector of the church or whomever is in charge so there is not an issue.

Stacy Able

Mobility can become a much bigger issue depending on where you hold your reception. I know my fiance and I contacted probably 20 venues in our search for "the one". Probably half had to be put on the "no list" because they could not accommodate wheelchairs or walkers. Public spaces like country clubs for example will also have wheelchair ramps and accessible bathrooms, but almost zero unconventional venues will be able to accommodate.

Almost all barn venues for example are privately owned so they will likely not have ramps, nor will they have paved drive/walkways. This is also the case at many "historical sites" like mansions and gardens with terraces. Rolling hills of vineyards can also be problematic, choppy dirt pathways in parks can be too narrow and uneven, it is almost impossible to get a scooter or walker to be usable on sand...you get the picture.

If you found a great venue that only has a few steps here and there such as an entrance into the front door of a historic home, or a small stairway to get from the back deck to ground level do not be hesitant to ask your venue director if they have ramps. Often, they will have them or can provide them at little to no charge. You can also rent ramps from several companies or build them yourself depending on the need. At the venue we chose, anyone can gain access to the reception tent from ground level and a wheelchair can be pushed to the grassy area where we will hold our ceremony. If anyone who happens to be using a walker does not want to walk on the grass, they can remain on the back patio and can see/hear us just fine.

House Ideas

Bathrooms can be another problem that a lot of couples might not initially consider. We had a very difficult time with this issue when we first started planning. Almost none of the local barn venues had bathrooms on site at all. They all required couples to rent either standard port-o-potties or luxury bath trailers. Neither of which are handicapped accessible. Another problem we found at a few venues was they often had a single bath on the main floor that was large enough for a wheelchair, but all the other baths were upstairs or in an outbuilding. This is all fine and dandy unless you have two or more people with walkers who need to use the bathroom at the same time or have people who cannot do stairs very well. Several bathrooms at historic homes also only have dinky half-baths available; so if someone needs to change a baby they cannot really do it in the bathroom either.

Luckily, the venue we chose has two bathrooms on the main level with one being handicapped accessible and three on the upper level. There is also a small room with a banquette if someone needs to change a baby. While the bathroom situation can be tricky if you are utilizing an unconventional venue or a venue that was not originally set up to host large parties, typically if you have one handicapped accessible bathroom you will be just fine. That way, even if you had to rent additional portable restrooms anyone who might be in a wheelchair can have bathroom on site.

Italian Lakes Weddings

Thinking of having an open-air wedding? Yes, they are quite lovely and it allows everyone to take in the beautiful sites without being obstructed by tent poles. But what if it is hot, and I mean really hot? Or what if the sun is blinding, as in you honestly cannot look at anything because you are squinting so hard? I have seen many weddings on Four Weddings where the guest-brides are complaining how stifling it is as you see sweat rolling down their brows. Yes, most people can suck it up for 20 minutes while they sit in the sun for a ceremony, but most elderly people cannot do this at all.

I have two uncles on medication that forbids them from being in the direct sun or even getting slightly overheated. My grandmother is another person who cannot get too hot or she will have issues. I am one of those people who cannot see squat in the direct sun without sunglasses so I made sure for our outdoor ceremony that we will be shaded by trees. At least if it is warm, no one will be left to bake in the sun! Since my reception is also being held outside I made sure if for some reason it ends up being 90 degrees in October (which is entirely possible for Indiana) that if anyone gets too hot, they can go inside the air conditioned home for comfort. This is just something to keep in mind. Also minding that no couple should be expected to accommodate everyone, but this is more of a common sense thing. If people get too hot (old or young), they will drink more - sometimes that more drinking means more alcohol is being consumed. It also might make people leave early if there is no reprieve from the heat. However, if an elderly person gets too hot and there is no relief, they will almost always just leave the event prematurely.

Balanced Healthy Life

Thinking of having a taco truck instead of a plated meal at your wedding? What about having catering brought in from your favorite Thai restaurant? What about having authentic jambalaya with tons of creole seasoning? While all these options would be AMAZING and I would be super exited if I was a wedding guest and had these food options, your guests might not be as thrilled. This is especially true for older guests.

I am not speaking for everyone obviously, but there are many older people in my family who would never in their lives eat anything like Pad Thai, Tandoori chicken, or anything that looked or sounded "foreign". There are also several older members of my family who cannot eat anything spicy because of stomach issues or medications they are taking. Again, like the issue I brought up with sun and heat, you must think not all 150 of your guests will be thrilled with whatever menu you choose. Just be mindful that everyone might not be able to eat the main course if you pick something spicy. The best way to avoid an issue of this sort is to offer more than one entree option, and make sure you have plenty of sides that people can eat if they are not keen on the main course. Generally speaking, if you want to do something unique and have exotic food you might want to have a simple pasta bar available as well for anyone who does not want or cannot eat your fun food choice. Pasta is generally a "neutral" food that almost everyone can eat.

Adult Medication

The last thing I want to touch base on are medications and attendants for elders. If you have a guest who is in hospice care or needs to have an attendant or nurse come with them, make sure you add them to your guest list! Obviously, they too will need to eat and be accommodated the whole day.

Forget about your cousin bringing an uninvited boyfriend as a "plus one". If you forget that Aunt Bernice needs her nurse with her, you will have to find somewhere to seat the nurse - without question or hesitation. This could also throw off your painstakingly arranged seating chart as well, which might be a HUGE problem if you are pinched for seating anyway. The same holds true for service animals. They too need a "seat" next to their owner at the table.

If you have someone at your wedding who is on a lot of medications (primarily painkillers) that will need to be taken throughout the day/evening, you might need to designate someone who is trusted to remind or dole out these medications if they do not have a nurse with them. More importantly, the security of medications is tantamount. If you think having security is a priority for your card box you might want to see if someone can guard medications as well. I have known people who had their cards not only stolen, but they were rifled through, opened, had the gift card removed, then resealed. Sadly, a lot of venue workers are very keen on this and are amazingly dishonest. If they are well versed on the "card tricks" they are also known to seek out elders as targets because so many carry medications in their purses.

I would not EVER consider my purse being "safe" at a coat check. Sorry, I know some attendants go through the bags and steal. I also know that it is not uncommon for pills and needles to go missing either. I always guard my purse with my life; I will even carry it to walk through a buffet line at a wedding. However, older people tend to be not as suspecting and will leave a bag unattended at a table. It only takes seconds for a waitress to open a bag and steal a bottle of pills or money while she is refilling a water. If you think this might be an issue at your venue, seriously consider hiring your own security. I am not by any means saying that elders cannot hold their own, because believe me they can! It is just extremely common for people to target elders for a multitude of reasons - they often carry medications, cash instead of cards, checks, and they might not notice if anything is missing right away, etc.

Do You Remember Wedding Details? No? Odds Are, Your Guests Will Not Either

Town & Country

Take just a moment to think back on all the weddings you have attended in the past 5 or so years. 

If you are like me, you have probably been to a quite a few in that time frame - I think I have been to 7 or 8 weddings since 2008. I know that almost all of my fiance's best buddies have gotten married, and several of my friends have as well. However, when I think back on all the weddings I have attended there is honestly surprisingly little I remember about any of them.

Did they have centerpieces? What were they? Did I even look at the brides bouquet? Cake? Where was it - I do not remember it? Did we get a favor? Suits or tuxedos? What did I eat for dinner? How many appetizers did I eat? How long did I wait between the ceremony and reception? I honestly do-not-know...

I guess if I had to pick one element of a wedding I tend to remember the most it would be the ceremonies. I do remember almost every - single - aspect of every wedding ceremony I have witnessed. Aside from that, thinking back on all the weddings I have attended it is as if they are all blurred into one big memory. I felt like a total fool the other day trying to think if we received a favor at one friend's weddings and if we did, what it was. I could not remember and neither did my fiance - and he was IN THE WEDDING. Programs? I am sure I was handed one at every wedding I have attended, but I could not tell you a single thing about them. Same with invitations. I thought this was just me - that maybe I was too preoccupied with other things to "take in" everything about a wedding. But as it turns out, this is extremely common.

DIY Wedding Decorations

Apparently, unless some minor element of the wedding strikes a chord with a guest, they will not remember the fine "details" that all of us brides worry over when it is all said and done. For example, someone will recall if the song for the first dance is one of their favorites, but will not have a clue later on if that is not the case. I am guilty of this myself. One wedding I attended had Eric Clapton playing during dinner and I recall that vividly - but I could not tell you anything that was played at any other wedding.

Flowers and bouquets - other than people knowing they were incorporated no one will likely recall if you used roses or peonies or daisies and hydrangeas. To add to this, no one apparently remembers centerpieces at all or things like custom signage, boutonnieres, or fancy escort cards. I took a poll on this and this is an extremely common phenomenon - not to remember any minor details. The sad fact is all those cute ideas us brides to be see on Pinterest and are "must haves" at our weddings will probably not be remembered by the guests after the wedding is over. Oh and chair covers, sashes, or Chiavari chairs - yea, no one and I mean no one will or does remember what they sat on at a wedding or if anything was tied on the chairs. On the flip side I am sure if you used hay bales as seating and guests got chaff stuck to their rears they would absolutely recall that down the line.

Of course there are other "detail" things that seem to be remembered too - when things go wrong or are "out there". In my poll, several previous wedding guests indicated they could not have told anyone the "colors" the wedded couple chose unless something was really off the wall or hideous/mismatched. Same held true for bridesmaids dresses. For the ceremony all eyes are on the bride - so much so that most guests could not tell you what the bridesmaids were wearing. One of my poll takers said the only reason she noticed the centerpieces was because they were leaking and her phone was damaged by water running over the table.

Belvedere

So what do guests honestly remember? 

They will remember, in order:

Food
Bar/Alcohol
Cake
Dancing/DJ/Band

Yes, this is all that anyone will take from your wedding. Now of course they will remember that the bride was beautiful and the ceremony was lovely - but aside from that, guests will probably not recollect any detail about the gown, what was said during the vows, if you did a unity ceremony or not, etc. I do recall one wedding I attended where I was made aware before the ceremony that the bride spent a great deal of money on her gown. However as she walked down the aisle, all I recall was how happy she looked. I could not tell anyone any detail about that gown or what made it any different than any other dress out there.

In my poll it was almost unanimous that the most important aspect of a wedding to the guest is the food followed closely second by the bar. To be blunt, people WILL remember if your food sucked. They will also keenly recall if they were hungry at any time during the reception. I could talk about this all day. I have left weddings absolutely starving before. Actually, I have left most weddings feeling really hungry. I have aversions to a lot of foods (I do not eat red meat and I will not eat anything drenched in butter or cheese due to a lactose issue I have) and that is probably why I leave a wedding hungry. But I do recall if there was something particularly unappetizing served, or if there was a super long wait between the ceremony and reception and the appetizers were inadequate or not served at all.

People also want there to be booze at the weddings they attend - but as it turns out they really do not remember what they drank as long as it was alcohol. Several of my responders said they had no idea if they were served Two-Buck Chuck or top shelf liquor; all they know was if there was alcohol or not. That signature drink you spent a month mulling over? No one will be able recall what it was, but they know they drank something at the wedding.     

Brides

Cake/dessert is something else people will recollect - but not for the reasons you think. Most people will not even look at your cake during the reception. Yes, sorry, but that $1K masterpiece will not be something your guests reminisce over years later. Depending on where you have your reception, some venues will actually keep the cake in their kitchen until about 5 minutes before it is cut by the newlyweds then promptly whisked back to the kitchen for serving. I have been to several weddings where the cake was kept up by the head table, and if I was seated near the back there was no opportunity for me to see it before it was cut.

According to my poll, people will recall if what they ate was good or not. That is it. Special flavors? Signature fillings? Fancy fondant, gum paste leaves, edible flowers? Nope, no one will know/be able to recall what it was after the fact other than if it was tasty or yucky. Guests likely will not even remember the cake cutting, if you smooshed cake into your new spouses face, or what kind of topper you had - just if it was good or bad in taste.

The overall party, ambiance, and atmosphere is another top memory for former wedding guests. I am not big on dancing or partying, and I never have been. However, I do know a bad DJ when I hear/see it and I have been to weddings where the DJ either made or broke the overall feel of the wedding. Most wedding guests like to get up and bust a move at the reception. If the DJ or band cannot get people on the floor and get people dancing it will put a HUGE damper on the reception. When people say they had a "great time" at a wedding that usually means they were having fun dancing late into the night.

The DJ or band also has considerable influence on the "flow" of the wedding as well. If your wedding flows well, people will be more relaxed and more apt to enjoy themselves. I was a guest at a huge Catholic wedding a few years ago and the couple's DJ kept people dancing for about 8 hours - non-stop. They had to kick us out of the reception venue at the end of the night - it was a great time! And it was not a "club atmosphere" at all. The DJ played all kinds of music from all eras so the grandparents were able to get up and waltz and the "youngsters" could do their booty shaking. I have also been to weddings where the DJ was really inexperienced or the band was too loud as well. This is absolutely something your guests will take from your wedding and recall years later.

Weddings Jamaica

The reason I brought up this notion that guests really do not "take away" minor details from a wedding is because I was milling over all the cutesy details I wanted to incorporate in my wedding, but I had doubts that anyone other than me would notice or recall later. Things like upgraded tablecloths, favors, a photo booth, dessert bar, special ceremony elements, aisle flowers, centerpieces, pouches for the silverware, and so on.

Based on the answers I received in my poll, I have decided that plain white tablecloths will be just fine - no one will remember if I upgraded them to green pin-tuck or not (the cost will ultimately dictate what I end up with). I will probably go ahead and make the boutonnieres and pouches for the silverware, but I know now no one will probably make a mental note of this. We are not doing a traditional cake, which worried me a bit at first - but that is okay because what we have chosen is delicious and that is all that matters. Favors? I can make cookies and put them in brown bags with a "Thank You" tag - yea, I am totally not spending hardly anything on favors. I also am contemplating using mix-matched vases I already have for the centerpieces - no one will likely pay any attention if they all match or not.

When guests do remember something from a wedding unfortunately it is because something was bad, went wrong, or it was really over the top unique. People WILL notice if you used upgraded table linens and had $100+ centerpieces IF - IF they find that the food is lackluster and they will wonder why you did not spend a little more on the food and a lot less on decor. Bottom line, guests WILL focus on expensive details if you cheaped out on the food. The same goes for alcohol. If a guest notices that you spent $5 a piece on a wedding favor and yet you opted not to serve wine, they will wonder why you did not skip the favors entirely and get 50 bottles of Trader Joe's wine for people to sip with their entree.

QC Weddings

Aside from people being well fed and having a blast at your wedding, really positive or unique details will be remembered fondly in most cases. Some of my poll takers indicated that photo booths are almost always a HUGE hit because that is not something that appears at every wedding, it gives guests something to do other than dance, AND it doubles as a favor. People also seemed to really like yard games. Again, it gives guests something fun to do, and if they are having fun they will recall it later. I for example have never been to a wedding that had yard games, but we are having them at my wedding. As a former wedding guest that does not really like to dance, I like giving people an option to partake in some friendly competition instead of resorting to sitting pretty at a table all night.

Now, it must be said that NOT ALL GUESTS will find your nuptials to be a blur. Some people rarely attend weddings. If this is the case, they will probably remember almost everything. I am in my late 20's and for a while it seemed like I was attending a wedding every summer and then one in the fall for 3 years in a row. These became the "blur" weddings for me. You must also think that if you as a bride and groom want the wedding to have a certain look for the sake of PICTURES then this is also important. I am not a particular fan of straight up bridal pictures. Yes, I absolutely want that quintessential bride and groom picture framed for my nightstand, but I know 5 years down the road I will not want wedding photos of me in my dress hanging all over the house. What I DO want are pictures taken from the wedding that I can incorporate elsewhere.

I think that a framed photograph of a beautifully set table looks amazing hanging in a kitchen or dining room, pictures of bouquets always look nice in a bathroom, close up photos of games can always be used in a future nursery or in a "man cave" for the basement. For me, to ultimately have these kinds of photos where I can say "yes, these were taken at my wedding" is what I want. This is why minor details are important in my eyes, but probably not anyone elses. Weddings in general are also commonly a blur for the wedded couple as well since so much is going on anyway. So, ultimately I will be doing some of those "cutesy Pinterest DIY" things to incorporate into my wedding "look" because that is something I can and want to do AND I do feel it will help play into the ambiance of the wedding. However, knowing that guests will not really pay much attention I will be scaling back on things like table linens, center pieces, favors, and other "extras" and instead focus more on finding a great caterer, beefing up the dessert and appetizer bar, and finding a great DJ to keep the party going.