How to ask for Cash or Unconventional Gifts at a Wedding without being TOTALLY Tacky

The Manor Restaurant

For some young couples, their wedding is the one and only time they can ask for literally an entire store and they might actually get most of it. This is the whole point of wedding registries! Young couples starting out often have absolutely nothing to start their new lives with. In fact, of the weddings I have attended about half the couples did not even have kitchen basics like dishes and glasses or bedding or linens. You must think too that perhaps the groom's "bachelor crates-for-end tables" will not go over well with his new bride.

Young people just do not tend to amass a plethora of household items unless they really need them. Most 20 somethings also live at home while they attend college or end up moving back home after they graduate. So, there is no need for a single person to buy a blender or toaster for themselves since they can use their parent's stuff. This is why wedding registries are so important for couples!

Nonchalant Living

But, what happens if you really do not need anything? With more couples getting married for the first time later in life, the odds of both the bride and groom living alone previously or cohabitating and already owning kitchen staples and furniture is more common. This is the exact dilemma I have found myself in.

I have been buying and selling vintage and antique items since I was 16 years old. Needless to say, I need no furniture. I also have a house. The home belonged to my grandmother and my mom held onto it as a rental after she died. I currently use it as my office and a photo studio. This spring it will be cleaned out and my office will be relocated into my barn so my fiance and I can actually live in the house once we get married. Although my fiance and I have never cohabitated in the 6 1/2 years we have been together, I am already certain we do not need any items that traditionally appear on a gift registry.

I inherited about 20 "kitchen do-dads" from my wonderful Aunt Kelly 3 years ago when my grandmother moved in with her and my uncle. She filled my car with all kinds of cool loot! Other things like blenders, Cuisinarts, and coffee makers, I have picked up over the years for next to nothing at auctions. I knew I would need these items one day, so if I could get a brand new Crockpot for $1 at an auction, I bought it. 

Wedding Paper Divas

In years past it was extremely faux-pas to give cash for gifts at weddings (I understand this is a regional thing). You just did not do it. Just like some people today still feel that giving gift cards at Christmas is the "lazy way out". I do not see it like that at all. I would much rather give a gift card or money to someone so they can get what they want instead of getting some trinket they will never use. 

The situation is a bit different with a wedding. Guests coming to your wedding really do like having the opportunity to help you out as you start a new chapter of your life. But, older generations still do balk at the idea of just giving money. And it is really tacky for a couple to just ask for cash. It is even more crass to be cutesie about it and have cash grabs at the wedding - I absolutely abhor "dollar dances" and "money trees" and "honeymoon jars" at weddings if it is not in your culture to do so - it is in such bad taste. 

However, with more and more couples cohabitating before marriage, registries are needed to let people know what you need since you likely have a bunch of stuff already. This is sort of  why wedding registries were invented - wealthy families would usually set the new couple up with expensive staples. Then, they could ask others for things that would last them for the next 20 years like silverware, bedding, dishes, etc. They were designed to let others know what a new couple would need to set up housekeeping and not have them end up with 10 toasters and one linen napkin. However, I just cannot get behind the idea of doing a registry for a bunch of "matchy" stuff that I honestly do not need or want - or that will break, wear out, or go out of style within 3 years. Things made today are not meant to last like they did 30 years ago.

Guest of a Guest

I am not alone in this idea that traditional wedding registries are rather dated in not practical for most modern couples. I was actually researching how to ask for "non-gifts" instead of "stuff" online and came across several posts and articles regarding this very issue. 

Almost everyone agrees that it is still in really bad taste to ask for a monetary hand out - but I think it is equally as ridiculous to put 100 things on a registry for crap you don't really need just for the sake of giving guests a list of stuff to pick from so they arrive with something in hand. 

I am personally TOTALLY FINE with our guests arriving at our wedding without a gift, but I know most guests would never think of attending without bringing one. It is far more important to me that guests come to our wedding and have a good time - not that they come bearing a gift.

If you really do not need traditional things that appear on wedding registries you can ask for or suggest the following instead.

Home Food Safety

Stuff A Couple Can Do Together:

Guests can scour Groupon for coupons for picnics, winery tours, guided nature walks, rock climbing lessons, zip line runs, etc. to give to the newlyweds. You can present the coupon inside a little picnic basket with some fresh fruit and cheese. Maybe some sparkling grape juice and a couple of plastic fluted glasses (be park friendly with plastic)! Suggest the couple make a day or a weekend of the event. As a couple, this is SO EASY to ask for especially if you have a website for your wedding. 

For example, my fiance and I are very active and outdoorsy and most of our friends and family know this. If you think your guests need hints, instead of having a link to 3-4 registries you can have a "Things We Love" page. Guests will get the idea very quickly and it gives them the opportunity to get creative with their gift. I would personally LOVE this as a gift! I know I would totally treasure a nature walk courtesy of Uncle "X" over a set of knives or tumblers.

Visit My Smokies

Help Pay For A Honeymoon:

This has become a very common gift request in recent years - but it is not always handled very well. For whatever reason, couples think it is OK to do a "honeymoon fund jar" at the wedding. So, in addition to guests bringing gifts they are then presented with another request for a handout...very tacky. Most couples tend to go on cruises or travel abroad for their honeymoons, which can get really expensive and it won't be something dollars and change in a jar will pay for. 

However, on the flip side of this just as many couples are delaying their honeymoons because more and more couples are footing the bills for their own weddings. Couples on a tight budget might want to have a nice reception for close friends and family and they really might not ever be able to afford a honeymoon. 

If this is the case, I see nothing wrong with asking for money to either help pay for the wedding or the honeymoon as the primary gift. Notice I said primary - do not ask or expect guests to buy you a wrapped gift and then give money too. You can set up your wedding website with a Paypal account for guests to send you money for a honeymoon - which in reality you can use for anything you wanted. You can also use the Paypal account idea for another reason...

Homes Channel

Let Guests Know You Are Buying a House:

You can ask for money to go towards a new house in the same fashion as you can ask for cash for your honeymoon. However, this approach in my opinion does not go over very well. Some people like a honeymoon fund over the house fund because guests might not like the idea of pitching in $20 for a "new house some day". This is more of a thing to tell family members than the rest of your guests. This is something to consider however if you would really value a down payment on a new home over a honeymoon.

Faux Stone Depot

Remark About Home Improvements Instead:

This approach is much easier for guests to digest and comprehend. Lowe's and Home Depot actually stopped doing in-store registries in 2010 for some reason, but you can still ask to receive gift cards. This is likely what we will do since we will already be living in a home when we get married. My fiance can ask for tools this way too - which he can use for work or helping me around the house since I am a re-purposing diva! Another GREAT plus about requesting gift cards for home improvement stores is that you can buy APPLIANCES there! A new refrigerator might set you back $1000 - so asking for gift cards to go towards new appliances is a great way to get most of those kinds of costs paid for without putting a whole kitchen on a registry somewhere.

Another great thing about having gift cards for home improvement stores is you can hold onto them for emergencies. I honestly cannot think of anything I could purchase at Macy's or Target that would help me if my pipes burst one winter or if a storm blew a branch through my living room window. Most couples never think about this when they move into a home together let alone take it into consideration when doing a wedding registry.

Dex Knows Weddings

The Verdict:

When it comes to wedding gift registries, I honestly do not see the point in asking for a bunch of items you do not really need, may never use, or will take up so much space they will never leave the box they came in (like Kitchen Aid Mixers, pasta rollers, a rotisserie, etc.). Nor do I think it is practical to ask for items "just because" when you can make do with what you already have. Furthermore, I think most people do understand that if a couple has been living together for 5 years or they are both approaching the age of 30 that they probably do not need any stuff.

I see nothing wrong in asking for cash/gift cards to help pay for a new home, a renovation, a honeymoon, a baby fund, etc. since most people will in fact bring a gift to a wedding no matter what. I just think your method of asking or spreading the word means everything in terms of making sure you are not being tacky or "money grabby". I mean let's face it, even if you opt to not have a registry at all or even mention gifts - almost every single person who attends your wedding will bring you something. That is just what people do. While you might think you can be clever and not mention anything about gifts, you will end up with all kinds of things asked for or not.

123RF

If you do decide to ask for cash, do not forget to hint as to what it is for. People want to know where their money is going when it is given as a gift. They just do - especially older people. You do not have to be specific, but the fact you indicate that you will use the funds towards a new home or a kitchen renovation will suffice.

Many couples will add supplementary cards to their invitations to indicate where they have their registries. There are pros and cons to this - Some guests might feel pigeonholed into buying "whatnots" from specific stores even if they had something else in mind. This is especially bad if you register with stores your family members would never set foot in (William Sonoma, Crate & Barrel, Ikea, Bed, Bath & Beyond, etc. are places my family has never shopped). Then again it does give guests a list to take with them when they go shopping for you. 

TLC Events

You can get into the same problem if you simply ask for "cash only" because it can guilt trip guests into forking over more money than they initially planned. And, it just comes across as being really snooty and pretentious to ask for "cash only". People do not want to come across as being cheapskates. However, some people feel better about giving a $20 table cloth instead of $20 in an envelope. A friend of mine once said putting $20 or less inside a card is what you give at a birthday party, not a wedding. I do not think it matters how much you give or spend whatsoever - but if you feel cheap, put $10 on a gift card so it does not look as "bad" if you think cash only looks wimpy or insufficient.

I think a MUCH better idea is to add a small sentence on the invitations that either includes a website for your wedding where you will provide supplemental information and a gift list, or a phone number for people to call someone specific to inquire about gifts. If you tell your MoH or your mom what you really want, it is much easier and it comes off much better to have your mom tell your Great Aunt Gertrude over the phone you would like money for a patio project or a gift card to a certain place. You could also have your MoH be in charge of spreading the word that you would like money in lieu of stuff, so by the time your wedding day arrives most people already know that you would like gift cards or cash instead of items. 

Emma Approved

WHAT EVER YOU DO - Please, please do not put some stupid, cutesie poem about asking for money in your invitations or on your wedding website. You are not a 5-year old; you are two adults getting married. It is very immature, coy, and conceited in many peoples' eyes to ask for money this way. It comes across as you playing a game or trying to be funny when it really seems like you are begging. If you are requesting money for a down payment on a house, just come out and say it. Elderly people attending your wedding will not "get" the poem thing and it will not go over well when they embarrassingly call your mother for an explanation. I have read so many forums online where guests flat out refused to attend weddings where cash poems or blunt requests for money were in the invitations.

A Blissful Nest

What We Will Do For Our Wedding Registry:

I will have my fiance register for tools he might need on Amazon and/or simply ask for gift cards to Lowe's. Tools are something that I do not have at my house already, and honestly him having tools will help me more in the long run than me spearheading the registry. Furthermore, I use tools too! I will probably register for 10-15 small things at Target since it is the only "real" store where I shop aside from the grocery. Most everyone shops at Target and their stuff is inexpensive so guests should feel comfortable shopping there for those who want to give a wrapped gift. We will probably do a page of "Things We Love" on our wedding website to "hint" that anything gardening related would be appreciated and highlight the fact that my fiance and I enjoy the outdoors very much. 

I also love the idea of asking for Groupon "stuff to do's". I think a surprise guided tour, murder mystery dinner, pizza date night, or something quirky like that would be so much fun! I would even be down for going to a shooting range or laser tag! These are things that my fiance and I do not normally do, so for someone to give that as a gift might open up new opportunities for us to experience something new. 

Dream Wedding Officiants

I am also very much tempted to ask for "junk" people have laying around their homes for gifts. I would be elated if someone gave me a 1960's ceiling fixture from their house or a teak nightstand that has been in the garage for 20 years. I am totally serious. A bag of vintage dresses, a jug of old buttons, a box of costume jewelry - I would be in heaven and it would not cost the giver anything. Think outside the box! If your grandmother does not know what to get you, let her know you have been eying the statue on her mantle since you were 6 and would love it in your house. Remember, weddings are supposed to be a celebration of a couples' new life together. It should not come across as a cash dash or a stress-a-thon over registries.